The Neverending Thread

If Admiral Nelson was around in 2007. The politically correct version.

Nelson:'Order the signal, Hardy.'

Hardy:'Aye, aye sir.'

Nelson:'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'

Hardy:'Sorry sir?'

Nelson(reading aloud):'England expects every person to do his or her               duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual  orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?'

Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities  employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free

working environments.'

Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'

Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead.'

Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'

Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in  history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'

Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'

Nelson: 'What?'

Hardy:'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.'

Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free

environment for the differently abled.'

Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse

even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny!'

Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'       Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'

Nelson: 'We're not?'

Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.  According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.'

Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'

Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life'

Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

Nelson: 'And what about sodomy?'

Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'

A guy is hanging upside down from the rafters at a factory when a blonde co-worker walks by. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I need some time off," says the man. "I'm pretending to be nuts."

The boss walks in, sees the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm a light bulb," answers the man.

"I think you need some time off," says the boss.

So, the man jumps down and leaves.

The blonde begins to walk out, too.

The boss asks, "Where do you think you're going?"

The blonde answers, "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

"Hello?" the child says on the phone.

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"What happened, honey?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."

"Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

There's a long pause on the phone.

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher.

"Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.