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Jack735 
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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 Posted: 03-February-2008 at 11:07 |
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The Best Blonde Joke Of The Year - So Far |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 03-February-2008 at 11:04 |
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Some random thoughts: 1. There are two sides to every divorce . . . Yours and Sh!thead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in uni was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.' 7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 8. I got a sweater for 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal ' ? 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-i n value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade . . . if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect .. and therefore I am perfect. 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.' 18. No one ever says 'It's only a game! !' when their team is winning. 19. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 21. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 22. Every time I walk into a single s bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!' |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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IamSpartacus
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Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 20:12 |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 14:34 |
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: *"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. * *I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. * *Amen." * God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, *Lord, * *I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." * *Amen * The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night." |
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Dave Ryle
 "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 10:09 |
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The Facecloth
This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!  I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking. After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.' NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!! |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 10:07 |
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Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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kbannon
Admin Group
E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 09:30 |
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My hero...
Just ignore the bit about running towards his daughter's room whilst in the nip!from http://www.independent.ie/world-news/stabbed-dad-saves-daugh ter-1272644.html
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 09:18 |
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A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down...You'll love this.... 'You got Male!'  |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 09:06 |
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A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper
was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your Garage door?" This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, Finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee >From his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said playfully, "When you saw the Garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?" The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires." She got fired! |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 09:03 |
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IRISH LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...... ......... ......... F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral." |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 09:02 |
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A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Edinburgh and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, 'Uh - yes here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of 45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Brighton.' 'Oh why, is that where the job's based?' 'No - that's where the end of the queue is' |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 09:02 |
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B RAIN CRAMPS
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. `````````````````````````````````` "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ```````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ``````````````` `````````````````````````````` "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ````````````````````````````` "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````` "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas< B>. ```````````````````````````` "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark `````````````````````````````````` "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !) ``````````````````` "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle `````````` "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca ``````````` "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL f ootball quarterback &sports analyst. ```````````````````````````````````````````` "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ````````````````````````````````` "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President `````````````````` "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart) ```````````````` "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery `````````````````````` "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ```````````````````````````````````````````` "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go t o bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 25-January-2008 at 09:02 |
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group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T." |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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Bigian
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Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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Posted: 18-January-2008 at 20:42 |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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IamSpartacus
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Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Posted: 18-January-2008 at 16:24 |
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Thought for the week......
Edited by IamSpartacus |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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thepits
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Posted: 17-January-2008 at 20:53 |
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said , "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you , who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry he accidentally picked up his walking cane Instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'." Miraculously two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." "Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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stuartie
Groupie 
Joined: 04-September-2006 Location: Aberdeen Status: Offline Points: 97 |
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Posted: 07-January-2008 at 20:46 |
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I think ive met her on a nite out
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E46 330 ci |
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Rhys
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Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Posted: 07-January-2008 at 13:23 |
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Beer Goggles....
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Rossi
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Joined: 07-May-2005 Status: Offline Points: 3311 |
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Posted: 05-January-2008 at 23:52 |
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 class!
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thepits
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Posted: 05-January-2008 at 23:50 |
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GRANDMA IN COURT - Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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