here you go part II

anybody for a spot of chuck norris?:

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Even Chuck Norris doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Chuck ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.

If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's #$%!.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Chuck Norris. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Chuck Norris was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Chuck punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.

Chuck Norris ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

do you know who this guy is:

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Yoda had two sons. To one he taught pity, to the other he gave the gift of the beard.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T's mother didn't breast feed him. He milked her.

Mr. T can rip a phonebook in half with his bare testicles.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T skis uphill.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

did you have sound on when you went to the site?

priceless!!!

Rhys wrote: Chuck Norris.. Didn't Bruce Lee beat him?

Didn't Bruce Lee beat everybody?

I Refuse to let this thread die........

mind you Nigel may have other ideas!!

in the meanwhile -

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

it will NOT die!

Hee-Hee - Bill Gates eat your heart out!

billgates e30 wrote: thanks buddy.....made my day, at least its clean this time

I resemble that remark!!

(disclaimer: - this picture is based on one available via a image search on 'funny santa' - with moderate safe search on (the default) - so there! )