some more funnies

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   mothers n daughters ... 

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. 

She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy. She sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable, and one day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone and, when I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was 
to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
So, before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, 
she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total 
shock and couldn't say a word. 

So she said, "I'll go to the bedroom and, if you are up for it, just come and get me." I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and, instead, went to the front door, opened it and stepped out of the house. 

Her husband was standing outside and, with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." 

Moral of the story: 
. 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Always keep your condoms in your car. 
===================================
Rules Of Manhood

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns.

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short straw on that one).

13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

14. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

15. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

16. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

19. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

20. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

21. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

24. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

25. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

26. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! d. Nice Arse, are you a Sagittarius?

27. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

28. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

29. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

30. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
===================================
(Probably made up but anyway....)

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in along time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations) 

Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you? 

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. 

What sort of trouble? 

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. 

Went away? 

They disappeared. 

Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now? 

Nothing. 

Nothing? 

It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type. 

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? 

How do I tell? 

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? 

What's a sea-prompt? 

Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen? 

There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. 

Does your monitor have a power indicator? 

What's a monitor? 

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? 

I don't know. 

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? 

Yes, I think so. 

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. 

Yes, it is. 

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? 

No. 

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable. 

Okay, here it is. 

Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer. 

I can't reach. 

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? 

No. 

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? 

Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's
dark. 

Dark? 

Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. 

Well, turn on the office light then. 

I can't. 

No? Why not? 

Because there's a power failure. 

A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? 

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. 

Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. 

Really? Is it that bad? 

Yes, I'm afraid it is. 

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? 

Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer.

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kbannon Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Visit Members Homepage Add to Buddy List Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508	Topic: some more funnies Posted: 02-August-2003 at 09:15
	mothers n daughters ... I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy. She sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable, and one day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone and, when I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So, before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. So she said, "I'll go to the bedroom and, if you are up for it, just come and get me." I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and, instead, went to the front door, opened it and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside and, with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." Moral of the story: . . . . . . . . .Always keep your condoms in your car. =================================== Rules Of Manhood 1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers. 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When your Date is using her teeth 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident 6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns. 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional). 11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 12. While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short straw on that one). 13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 14. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 15. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. 16. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 18. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 19. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'. 20. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers. 21. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 23. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 24. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 25. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 26. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! d. Nice Arse, are you a Sagittarius? 27. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 28. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary. 29. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes. 30. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. =================================== (Probably made up but anyway....) This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in along time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations) Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you? Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. What sort of trouble? Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. Went away? They disappeared. Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now? Nothing. Nothing? It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type. Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? How do I tell? Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? What's a sea-prompt? Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen? There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. Does your monitor have a power indicator? What's a monitor? It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? I don't know. Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? Yes, I think so. Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Yes, it is. When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? No. Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. Okay, here it is. Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. I can't reach. Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? No. Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark. Dark? Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Well, turn on the office light then. I can't. No? Why not? Because there's a power failure. A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. Really? Is it that bad? Yes, I'm afraid it is. Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer.
	Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual

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Rhys Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053	Posted: 02-August-2003 at 09:59
	HaHaHa.. LOL. Where do you get these from. I'll have to dig up the one about describing women as a chemical element, greatest money reducing agent known to man..
	V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet...

Nigel Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Moderator Group Joined: 09-November-2002 Status: Offline Points: 6941	Posted: 02-August-2003 at 17:12
	They are great Killion, I'll show the other half when she finishes work, she loves all the "men" type jokes
	Best Wishes Nigel

JMac Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 15-February-2003 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 17	Posted: 14-August-2003 at 22:12
	Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?". Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?". Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall". -------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?". Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue? -------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?". -------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?". Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off". -------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?". Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland". ------------------------------------------------- Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please". Operator: "Where are you calling from?". Caller: "The living room". ---------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on". -------------------------------------------- Computer Capers Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?". Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?". -------------------------------------------- British Rail Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?". Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free". -------------------------------------------- Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours". -------------------------------------------- The Bank Caller: "I would like to borrow $2,000 please". Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?". Caller: "Three years, please". Operator: "OK, sir. That will be $75 per month for 36 months. Is that ok?". Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!" --------------------------------------------- Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?". [Hughes, Barry]