here you go part III

Bigian wrote: Its gone awfully quiet in here has everyone gone

Yes,

there's no-one here except us

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry,
your duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few
moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later
with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird
from
head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"�150!" she cried, "�150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would
have been �20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
�150.00."

Popeye

Growing old is mandatory, growing up isnt!!!

Greeting Card that never made it.

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!....
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married....
but not to you."

"You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."

"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."

Brad

Rhys wrote: ah, but if you use ornithology it works as in bluet�ts - see

how does it cope with: -

ColemanBalls - with grateful thanks to Private Eye

Radio 5 live - It goes without saying that the egg timer is slipping away

BBC2 (Golf) - I'm a great believer that if you don't get the ball in the hole - it won't go in

BBC Sport - It's throwing me in the deepend of the spotlight but we need to muddle on.

and finally - BBC2 - golf (again) one I actually saw/heard: -

commentator 1 - "He drives with his right hand, but putts with his left"

commentator 2 - "Yes, he's obviously amphibious"