here you go part III

here we go again...............

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were six old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

         "Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale

(remember, keep it clean, and no naughty pictures!) 

Derek M5 wrote: You encouraged him.... just the threat of 'that' picture and the mods get threadlock! (understandably in the case of said picture)

Ah, what power I hold just by posting that pic. Just think, I could bring this thread to a premature end bwahahahahahahahahaha

Horsetan wrote: I just knew Rhys couldn't resist shutting the last one

Eventually - It had lasted from the 30th November 2005 - 7&1/2 months, 536 posts, 4832 views, not bad eh?

we open one - he close one - we open new one - that's life!

Goldryder wrote: ....Careful what you're holding Ivy, it could land you in deep water

I've got waders for that

Rhys wrote: Always give 100% at work...

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 Jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere.

Two married men are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,"You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and YELLS at me for staying out so late!

His friend looks at him and says "Well your obviously taking the wrong approach.I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, slap her on the ass and say! WHO'S HORNEY????!!!" and she acts like she's asleep!  Works every time!!

steven.seed wrote: @ Pharaoh, Err, does Jane know your telling jokes like this?

She's probably the one typing them under his identity!