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kbannon View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-April-2010 at 23:50
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE
1997 E39 523i
2003 E39 525i Sport Individual
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IamSpartacus View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IamSpartacus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-March-2010 at 02:10

 Everyones a critic!

 

>getscoat<

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08-March-2010 at 20:22
Originally posted by kbannon kbannon wrote:

That was bad!



..and don't forget your coat on the way out...

V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v
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R reg Honda PC50 moped..

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-March-2010 at 22:10
That was bad!

Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE
1997 E39 523i
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IamSpartacus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05-March-2010 at 11:49

  A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
 
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
 
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
 
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
 
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,

He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
 
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
 
What can he do?
 
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
 
Because lions eat anything.
 
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
 
He moved on to the last job,
 
Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
 
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
 
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
 
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage
 
 - because lions eat anything.
 
 
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
 
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
 

The lions say:


'Absolutely brilliant.
 
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-March-2010 at 21:37
Originally posted by IamSpartacus IamSpartacus wrote:

Repeating yourself Penelope? Must be getting older!


What do you mean getting older..? Getting..?

He is old..!

Never mind remembering when it was all fields.... He remembers when it was all one continent..

Penelope 'Pangaea' Pitstop..
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IamSpartacus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-March-2010 at 08:56
Repeating yourself Penelope? Must be getting older!

Edited by IamSpartacus
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-March-2010 at 22:20
it must be Deja-Vu
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-March-2010 at 22:20
now, I'm sure i've seen that before  it must be the old age kicking in, memory isn't what it used to be, I remember when all this was fieldzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Edited by IamSpartacus
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-March-2010 at 16:43
Originally posted by IamSpartacus IamSpartacus wrote:

What the fcuk would they want with a Plasterer?



Nice one Del
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IamSpartacus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-March-2010 at 13:09

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
  
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
  
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
  
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
  
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
  
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
  
The same thing happens for two weeks.
 
Then one day the circus comes to town.
  
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
  
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
  
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
  
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.
  
"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .

 

 

What the fcuk would they want with a Plasterer?

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 540 V8 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-March-2010 at 00:07

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all have to serve a sentance in an under ground cell for 10 years. They are all allowed one thing they can request to take with them to last the 10 years. The englishman says "i'll have 10 years supply of fags", the irishman says "Oil have ten years supploi of da foinest oirish whisky" then the scotsman says, "Ai, I'll have ten years supply of the finest scottesh malt ma good maan"

After the ten years all 3 were released. The irishman comes out first, stumbles out and keels over, stone dead from alchoholic poisoning. The scotman then also stumbles out, swaggers a bit then collapses and dies from alchoholic poisoning. The englishman then follows last and says "Anyone got a light?"


Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-February-2010 at 11:20
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-February-2010 at 20:38

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

 

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

 

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

 

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

 

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

 

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****. ... How about yourself?"

 

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some nutter in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

 --------------------------------------------------

 

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?

He was a small medium at large.

 --------------------------------------------------

 

 

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."


To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a d!ck like that."

 --------------------------------------------------

 

 

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.


Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them .... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."


"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

 --------------------------------------------------

 

 

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds & thousands.


Police say he topped himself

 --------------------------------------------------

 

 

My locals rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night


First question was, What the hell are you looking at?

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-February-2010 at 22:02
Worth watching!



Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rossi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-February-2010 at 13:56

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



Edited by Rossi
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06-February-2010 at 22:10
Here in Ireland, we have only one level - "aah, sure it'll be grand!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IamSpartacus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04-February-2010 at 03:30
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Blitzkrieg".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are as usual carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rossi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-February-2010 at 22:18
It seems Renault and Ford are working on a new car exclusively for women.

They are combining the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus to produce a new model named the 'Clitaurus'

Initial tests show the average male thief wont be able to find it,
even if someone TELLS him where it is.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Misty Morning Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30-January-2010 at 19:12
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