The Neverending Thread

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Posted: 18-July-2008 at 19:46

nero wrote:

^^^^^^^^^

thepits wrote:

and then you spoilt it with a

Pot, kettle black - Nelson Mandela joke

yeh, but that's in the Irish forum - who reads that

Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.

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Posted: 18-July-2008 at 20:04

Allegedly a true story:

July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, 'that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,' were televised to earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark 'good luck, Mr. Gorky.'

Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorky'... statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5,1995, in Tampa Bay,Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorky shouting at Mr. Gorky.

'Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
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Posted: 18-July-2008 at 20:05

A rabbit walked into a restaurant with a lion.

The waiter seats them and asks the rabbit, "What will you have?"

The rabbit says bring me a half a head of lettuce.

The waiter looks at the lion and says; and what will he have?

The rabbit says "The lion?" he's not eating".

The waiter says "why? Isn�t he hungry?"

Then the rabbit says "if he was hungry do you think I'd be here?"

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Posted: 18-July-2008 at 20:06

A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
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Posted: 18-July-2008 at 20:07

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."

The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."

Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde.

"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
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Posted: 18-July-2008 at 20:09

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder?
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.?

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady, "why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
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Posted: 18-July-2008 at 20:10

Goldryder wrote:

Allegedly a true story:
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, 'that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,' were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark 'good luck, Mr. Gorky.'

But not - as he revealed recently on TV

Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.

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Posted: 19-July-2008 at 08:10

Not sure if this has already been posted on here...but...click on 'begin' once page loads and see how many you recognise

http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/

Edited by Goldryder

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Posted: 19-July-2008 at 09:48

Goldryder wrote:

Not sure if this has already been posted on here...but...click on 'begin' once page loads and see how many you recognise

http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/

[I need to be careful how I reply to this, in case I get categorised

]

Brilliant, I had a really good laugh, trying to match the Warriors to forum members

Welcome back to the forum G

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Posted: 19-July-2008 at 10:17

Goldryder wrote:

Not sure if this has already been posted on here...but...click on 'begin' once page loads and see how many you recognise

http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/

ROTFL..I found bits of myself in there when it concerns this forum but, even more worrying I found a mod in there too

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Posted: 03-August-2008 at 15:26

I understand that if Santander complete the takeover of the Alliance & Leicester they will combine the operation with the Abbey National - who they successfully took over a few years ago.

Santander's Board of Directors would have liked to call the operation here in the UK : Abbey National Alliance & Leicester, but deemed it too much of a mouthful.

Instead they will abbreviate it to : ANAL.

Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.

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Posted: 04-August-2008 at 13:14

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, give him dinner and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. Mystical and spiritual, full of extraordinary beauty.

The Sirens that almost seduced Odysseus into grounding his ship must have sounded like this, he thinks.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a mesmerising and seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man returns to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
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But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Now get back to work!!!

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......

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Posted: 04-August-2008 at 15:38

Airline Announcements?

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "

*************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart com-ment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunder-storms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, wel-come to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our com-pliments."

***********************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentle-man over there."

******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt"

****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"

****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.

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Posted: 12-August-2008 at 10:10

Going with Pitsys theme

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."

Dave Ryle

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw

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Posted: 12-August-2008 at 10:12

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!!"

Dave Ryle

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw

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Posted: 21-August-2008 at 18:36

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

What the f**k would they want with a plasterer???

Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.

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Posted: 22-August-2008 at 12:40

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shone that bloody light in her face.�

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Posted: 22-August-2008 at 12:40

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said,

"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said,

"Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "Well you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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Posted: 22-August-2008 at 12:48

A duck waddles into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, sorry, we only sell drinks here."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, like I said, all we have is beer."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, I told you, WE ONLY HAVE BEER."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "FOR (beep) SAKE, WE ONLY HAVE (beep)ING BEER AND IF YOU ASK ME FOR (beep)ING BREAD ONE MORE (beep)ING TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE COUNTER!!"

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman: "NO!"

Duck: "Got any bread?"

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