HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding  a baby. Position right fore finger and thumb on either of side of cat's  mouth and gently apply pressure to cheek while holding pill in right  hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth  and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left  arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrapper, cradle cat in left arm holding rear  paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of  mouth with right fore finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Pull  spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front  and rear paws. Ignore low growl emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's  head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop  pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrapper.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep  shattered figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head  just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking  straw; force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of  water to take taste away. Apply bandage to spouses forearm and remove  blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in  cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth  open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply  cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.  Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid  cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly  to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force  cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by  large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water  down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to hospital; sit quietly while doctor  stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak), and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.