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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Edinburgh when she was flagged down by a man whose lorry had broken down. 

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Edinburgh?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my lorry.

My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Edinburgh Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you Ł100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the lorry driver was driving through the heart of Edinburgh when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you Ł100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over -- so now we're going to the Castle."

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Jack735 Members Profile Find Members Posts Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Points: 1055	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jack735 Quote Reply Posted: 20-July-2007 at 09:49
	A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Edinburgh when she was flagged down by a man whose lorry had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Edinburgh?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my lorry. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Edinburgh Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you Ł100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went. Five hours later, the lorry driver was driving through the heart of Edinburgh when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you Ł100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over -- so now we're going to the Castle."

Rossi Members Profile Find Members Posts Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 07-May-2005 Points: 3311	Post Options Post Reply Quote Rossi Quote Reply Posted: 21-July-2007 at 20:40


Rhys Members Profile Find Members Posts Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locÄtiĹŤ Points: 10053	Post Options Post Reply Quote Rhys Quote Reply Posted: 22-July-2007 at 13:37
	Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies "Ma'am, you actually had twins. A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother! He's a fecking clueless idiot!" Expecting the worst she asks the doctor "Well, what's my daughter's name?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks "What's the boy's name?".. . . . . . . . . . . . . "Denephew" came the reply

thepits Members Profile Find Members Posts Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Points: 10000473	Post Options Post Reply Quote thepits Quote Reply Posted: 25-July-2007 at 09:25
	A guy goes into an adult store in New York City, and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female." Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White." Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?" Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" *Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up".*

thepits Members Profile Find Members Posts Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Points: 10000473	Post Options Post Reply Quote thepits Quote Reply Posted: 25-July-2007 at 09:29
	A man goes to the Council to apply for a job. `The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"` `"Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq."` `The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment"` `and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"` `The man says "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."` `The interviewer tells the man "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM.` `You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."` `The man is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"` `"This is a council job" the interviewer replies.` `"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."`

Rhys Members Profile Find Members Posts Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locÄtiĹŤ Points: 10053	Post Options Post Reply Quote Rhys Quote Reply Posted: 25-July-2007 at 22:32
	/\ /\ /\ About right, round our way we call them 'Sick, Lame and Lazy'

Bigian Members Profile Find Members Posts Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Points: 2167	Post Options Post Reply Quote Bigian Quote Reply Posted: 29-July-2007 at 10:57
	A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end" "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's f4nny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that "

540 V8 Members Profile Find Members Posts Bavarian-Board Contributor Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Points: 2280	Post Options Post Reply Quote 540 V8 Quote Reply Posted: 29-July-2007 at 19:25
	/\/\/\ IF I ever took my wife to play golf I'd ba damn sure never to make that mistake! Mike

Roadmonster Members Profile Find Members Posts Newbie Joined: 25-March-2007 Location: Goxhill, Lincolnshire Points: 10	Post Options Post Reply Quote Roadmonster Quote Reply Posted: 06-August-2007 at 15:04
	A lady walks past a pet shop. In the window is a big sign, it says:- New in - Clitoris Licking Frog The lady enters the shop and says "I'd like a clitoris licking frog please" The man behind the counter says "Bonjour"

Jack735 Members Profile Find Members Posts Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Points: 1055	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jack735 Quote Reply Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:07
	The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness is being questioned by a rather plumy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD) AD 'You say you went to your friend's house that night. Why did you go there?" WITNESS "Tae get a tap." AD "Is your friend a plumber?" WITNESS "Naw." AD "Are you a plumber?" WITNESS "Naw." The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly. AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?" WITNESS "Naw." AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?" WITNESS "Naw." In exasperation the AD says, "You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?" WITNESS "A Rangers tap." Edited by Jack735

Jack735 Members Profile Find Members Posts Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Points: 1055	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jack735 Quote Reply Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:09
	I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

Jack735 Members Profile Find Members Posts Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Points: 1055	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jack735 Quote Reply Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:11
	Due to new evidence, police fear that the doctor who invented paracetamol was murdered and decided last week to exhume the body. Unfortunately tests have yet to be started as they can't get the lid off.