The Neverending Thread

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more X5 or M3 in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jack?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

HAVE A NICE DAY

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some apples. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

The Theatre Guest

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right mate, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied ... "The balcony."

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.

Billy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a Full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had. 

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. 

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy. 

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" "What? Why not?" asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"

"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."

"You b****rd!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating b****rd! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"