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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jack?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. HAVE A NICE DAY |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion; "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm. They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a f *** ing towel, son!!" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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An elderly man in He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some apples. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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The Sally Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Sally Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million quid, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Sally Army" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge private medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the Sally Army rep mumbles, "Uh ... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled war veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken Sally Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated Sally Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So ... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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The Theatre Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right mate, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied ... "The balcony." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns. Billy: Who, me? Teacher: Very good! |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair. "Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up." "I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry." Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Issy
Admin Group THE BOSS! Joined: 21-February-2007 Location: Port Seton Status: Offline Points: 4429 |
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Men should always wear clean underwear in public, especially when
working under your vehicle! From the daily paper comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. |
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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lesurely
Really Senior Member II Joined: 07-October-2005 Location: The Royal County Status: Offline Points: 889 |
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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it'sthe Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
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e30 325is (deceased)
e36 318is under major construction E39 530D Sport mtec (all the bells and whistles ) Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower lesurely |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. "How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus. "I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man. "And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus. "I hope to find my son" said the man "Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?""I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states the old man. Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, "Father???"
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a Full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation." He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had. The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" "What? Why not?" asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!" "What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You b****rd!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating b****rd! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!" |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Well, no one else seems to have so....
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates, St Peter opens them and says, "Oh its you Luciano, come on in", Pavarotti says, "Here's an envelope for you from the pope" St Peter opens it and reads... "Here's that tenor I owe you" Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras have recruited elton john to replace pavarotti. They will now be known as the two tenors and a 9-bob note. |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Oh dear, poor bloke had a special hearse for the occasion of his funeral.. It was a Nissan Dorma... |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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Sinner to Irish Priest, 'Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance'
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?
'A new woman in the parish,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance.'
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?
The altar boy quietly replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.' |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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