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stuartie
Groupie Joined: 04-September-2006 Location: Aberdeen Status: Offline Points: 97 |
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A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood.All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from " follow me" he says.Off they fly over the hills the river and into the dark forest "see that tree over there " he says ,YES they say ................................. " Well i bloody didnt!" |
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E46 330 ci |
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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OLD ROOSTER..
>> >> >> A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new >> stud >> rooster >> for his chicken coop. >> >> The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and >> says, >> 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' >> >> >> The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot >> handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it's done to me. >> >> >> Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in >> the corner? >> >> >> ' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed >> up >> and I'm taking over.' >> >> The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. >> >> >> I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins >> gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' >> >> >> The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand >> a >> chance, old man. >> >> So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start.' >> >> The old rooster takes off running. >> >> About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off >> running after him. >> >> They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the >> young rooster has closed the gap. >> He's only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and >> gaining fast. >> >> The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot >> on >> the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. >> >> He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young >> rooster to bits. >> >> >> The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, >> 'Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month.' >> >> >> Moral of this story? .... >> >> >> Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and >> treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance !!!! >> |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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This is about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said................ 'I think so.
Provided those ***kers at Jewsons deliver the ***king bricks.' . |
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Cats know your every thought.
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steven.seed
Really Senior Member II Joined: 24-June-2005 Location: Sale, Cheshire Status: Offline Points: 1507 |
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If Admiral Nelson was around in 2007. The politically correct version. Nelson:'Order the signal, Hardy.' Hardy:'Aye, aye sir.' Nelson:'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?' Hardy:'Sorry sir?' Nelson(reading aloud):'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?' Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.' Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.' Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.' Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.' Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.' Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead.' Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.' Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.' Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.' Nelson: 'What?' Hardy:'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.' Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.' Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.' Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.' Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.' Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.' Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.' Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.' Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?' Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.' Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.' Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny!' Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.' Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?' Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.' Nelson: 'We're not?' Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.' Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.' Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.' Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.' Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life' Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?' Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.' Nelson: 'And what about sodomy?' Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.' |
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1998 E36 318iS Saloon
1989 E30 318i. Coupe 2000 E39 520i Touring |
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!! Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?" |
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lesurely
Really Senior Member II Joined: 07-October-2005 Location: The Royal County Status: Offline Points: 889 |
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5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSON Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. " After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders , in time you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure .
Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity .
Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure , why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up .
Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE Edited by lesurely |
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e30 325is (deceased)
e36 318is under major construction E39 530D Sport mtec (all the bells and whistles ) Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower lesurely |
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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A cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico . While sipping his
tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.... Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?".... The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy, I might add"! The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day, because, there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only, special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they're much, much smaller, than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor, sometimes the bull wins!" |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Bought a teddy for 10 sold it for 20 now the Sudanese Muslims are after me for making a prophet out of a teddy bear.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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dutch
Really Senior Member I Joined: 17-December-2005 Location: lakeside Essex Status: Offline Points: 438 |
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following the uproar of calling a teddy mohammed in sudan, Sooty has decided to cancel his tour of Jamaica!! |
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e39,1200 bandit
cooper S, Z3 topazbleu |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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GRANDMA IN COURT - Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." |
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Cats know your every thought.
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Rossi
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 07-May-2005 Status: Offline Points: 3311 |
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Beer Goggles....
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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stuartie
Groupie Joined: 04-September-2006 Location: Aberdeen Status: Offline Points: 97 |
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I think ive met her on a nite out
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E46 330 ci |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said , "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you , who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry he accidentally picked up his walking cane Instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'." Miraculously two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." "Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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Cats know your every thought.
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Thought for the week......
Edited by IamSpartacus |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T." |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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B RAIN CRAMPS
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. `````````````````````````````````` "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ```````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ``````````````` `````````````````````````````` "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ````````````````````````````` "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````` "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas< B>. ```````````````````````````` "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark `````````````````````````````````` "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !) ``````````````````` "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle `````````` "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca ``````````` "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL f ootball quarterback &sports analyst. ```````````````````````````````````````````` "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ````````````````````````````````` "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President `````````````````` "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart) ```````````````` "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery `````````````````````` "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ```````````````````````````````````````````` "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go t o bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Edinburgh and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, 'Uh - yes here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of 45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Brighton.' 'Oh why, is that where the job's based?' 'No - that's where the end of the queue is' |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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IRISH LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...... ......... ......... F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral." |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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