The Neverending Thread |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper
was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your Garage door?" This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, Finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee >From his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said playfully, "When you saw the Garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?" The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires." She got fired! |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down...You'll love this.... 'You got Male!' |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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My hero...
Just ignore the bit about running towards his daughter's room whilst in the nip!from http://www.independent.ie/world-news/stabbed-dad-saves-daugh ter-1272644.html
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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The Facecloth
This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking. After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.' NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!! |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: *"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. * *I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. * *Amen." * God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, *Lord, * *I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." * *Amen * The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night." |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Some random thoughts: 1. There are two sides to every divorce . . . Yours and Sh!thead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in uni was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.' 7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 8. I got a sweater for 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal ' ? 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-i n value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade . . . if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect .. and therefore I am perfect. 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.' 18. No one ever says 'It's only a game! !' when their team is winning. 19. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 21. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 22. Every time I walk into a single s bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!' |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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The Best Blonde Joke Of The Year - So Far |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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540 V8
Bavarian-Board Contributor Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard,
I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit. The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?' Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box' 'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard,
I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit. Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me
and calling me nasty names' 'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like
blatant racial discrimination to me.
I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination"
I will give you a biscuit' |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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540 V8
Bavarian-Board Contributor Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."
I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."
"Yeah", I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone, stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f**k off....
Edited by thepits |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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25 Phrases Of Wisdom 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, during marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going through hell. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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The Best Blonde Joke Of The Year - So Far 2 One day a man was working in a bar and five blondes came in and ordered ten bottles of champagne.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English ******* and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland *******s and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemists and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who's the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?" At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You sh@g her again." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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