![]() |
|
Post Reply ![]() |
Page <1 152153154155156 173> |
Author | |||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
|
|||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
Sponsored Links | |||
![]() |
|||
Misty Morning ![]() Really Senior Member II ![]() ![]() Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Subject: THE DECISION
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £10,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. So, the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'She has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor................ 'We're getting a new kitchen.' |
|||
![]() |
|||
dutch ![]() Really Senior Member I ![]() ![]() Joined: 17-December-2005 Location: lakeside Essex Status: Offline Points: 438 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
this might be a repost as well but i didn't have time to go through 164 pages to find it! After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, |
|||
e39,1200 bandit
cooper S, Z3 topazbleu |
|||
![]() |
|||
nero ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Just call me Tripod Joined: 15-October-2002 Location: Scotland Status: Offline Points: 3131 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Banking
Crisis Get yer Yen out Quick$B!)!)(B..
Never mind what is happening at Northern Rubble, look how September 2007 The knock on from the In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches. Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal. |
|||
![]() |
|||
![]() |
|||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Husband and wife are shopping in 'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says |
|||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area , stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Ford people-carrier to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex." There is absolute total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, "F*ck the Vicar." |
|||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. |
|||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
Jack735 ![]() Bavarian-Board Contributor ![]() ![]() Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Jamaican sandals
While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store. The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You Got dem on the wrong feet!" |
|||
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|||
![]() |
|||
Jack735 ![]() Bavarian-Board Contributor ![]() ![]() Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry.' 'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving.' |
|||
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|||
![]() |
|||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
|
|||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
kbannon ![]() Admin Group ![]() ![]() E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
You will rot in hell for that Simon! |
|||
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
|||
![]() |
|||
Rhys ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locÄtiÅ Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Not before I kick his balls! ![]() |
|||
V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
|||
![]() |
|||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
good isn't it Edited by thepits |
|||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet. Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"!! (I told him). "It's been a year"! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again. Edited by kbannon |
|||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
thepits ![]() Moderator Group ![]() ![]() Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s*x would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued: 'He'd still be alive if the Ice cream truck hadn't come along. |
|||
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
|||
![]() |
|||
Misty Morning ![]() Really Senior Member II ![]() ![]() Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 & 12
|
|||
![]() |
|||
Jack735 ![]() Bavarian-Board Contributor ![]() ![]() Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
If you have raised kids (or even been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened ... Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. Darling,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mum!' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!). 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 999?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.). The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Jack, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just ... just ... excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just . . . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . . She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car . . . He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: £140. One cage: £50. Trip to the vet: £30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless! Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs ![]() |
|||
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|||
![]() |
|||
dryle ![]() Really Senior Member II ![]() Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Jack the lizard one had my crying with the laughter forwarded it on to herself, she is on the front desk in the bank today and I could hear her laughing down the phone. She said customers were looking at her.
![]() |
|||
Dave Ryle
![]() "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
|||
![]() |
|||
Jack735 ![]() Bavarian-Board Contributor ![]() ![]() Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
||
Cheers Dryle!
On this thread I tried to post this 'joke' a few days ago but while I was able to log in and 'post reply' nothing happened after that. I thought I had been banned form the thread for overindulgence.
Have I ever said this site has the best collection of smilies? |
|||
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|||
![]() |
Post Reply ![]() |
Page <1 152153154155156 173> |
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions ![]() You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |