The Neverending Thread

For the annual company picnic, management decided that because of liability issues we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person... 

 

I was fired for ordering the cups.

Clever Signs

 

Sign over a gynecologist's office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix"

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In a podiatrist's office:

Time wounds all heels

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On a septic tank truck:

Yesterday's meals--on wheels

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At a proctologist's door:

To expedite your visit, please back in

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On a plumber's truck:

We repair what your husband fixed

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On another plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

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On a church's billboard:

7 days without God makes one weak

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At a tire shop in milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout

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At a towing company:

We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows

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On an electrician's truck:

Let us remove your shorts

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In a nonsmoking area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

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On a maternity room door:

Push! Push! Push!

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At an optometrist's office:

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place

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On a taxidermist's window:

We really know our stuff

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On a fence:

Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!

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At a car dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment

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Outside an exhaust centre:

No appointment necessary; We hear you coming

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In a veterinarian's waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

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At the electric company

We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.

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In a restaurant window:

Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up

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In the front yard of a funeral home:

Drive carefully! We'll wait...

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At a propane filling station:

Thank heaven for little grills

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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:

Best place in town to take a leak

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Sign on the back of another septic tank truck:

CAUTION - This truck is full of political promises

 

thepits wrote: Misty Morning wrote: Just for you lot with some time on your hands and you haven't of course after finding it?

Moi! a busy domestic engineer and mother, have time on my hands I should coco.....Waits for the gasp of disbelief and jaw hitting floor followed by countless posts on women claiming to be busy

I found it on another forum I wasn't that sad to have found it surfing

Windows for Geordies...

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!'
'Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies. 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points.'
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout.
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.'
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer printed the following:-
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for �100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for �100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or �80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for �100.
His cost of production is �80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for �100.
His cost of production is �80 and his profit is �20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of �20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

MY LIVING WILL

 

Just for you lot with some time on your hands

http://www.subservientchicken.com/

The marriage

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!

Jack735 wrote: I went into RS McColls today, I asked for a Twirl and a Boost, the lassie behind the counter spun round and said 'You look great today Jack'   Yesterday I went in and I asked for some Wrigley�s she gave me a can of worms.

Don't suppose if you walked in and asked for a double entendre - she'd give you one?