|
|
Post Reply 
|
Page <1 138139140141142 173> |
| Author | ||||||
dryle 
Really Senior Member II 
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
 Post Options
 Thanks(0)
 Quote Reply
 Posted: 26-March-2007 at 14:41 |
|||||
|
> > Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
>the > > hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A > > tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?" "I got a > > hundred euro note on my privates," he said proudly. What the hell were > > you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth > > would an accountant get a hundred euro bill tattooed on his privates?" > > "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like > > to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.And, > > lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at > > home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want." > > >>>> >Larry is recovering in room 232 at Beaumont Hospital |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
 "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
 |
||||||
| Sponsored Links | ||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 14:43 |
|||||
|
One for the ladies
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ." And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------------------- A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." --------------------------------------------- "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ------------------------------------------ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour -------------------------------------- A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------ ------------------------------------------- Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practising to be men. --------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. --------------------------------------------- Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. ------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals" |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 14:44 |
|||||
|
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache." |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 14:48 |
|||||
|
SINFUL BEHAVIOR
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said , "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" --------------------------------------------------------- There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." --------------------------------------------------------- A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off." --------------------------------------------------------- Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 14:50 |
|||||
|
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls." |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 14:51 |
|||||
|
Laws Newton Forgot
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 14:57 |
|||||
|
IRISH BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Brown?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Margaret Doyle?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Anne O' Neil?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" Four months holiday and five good leads." |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 14:59 |
|||||
|
postman pat is a ginger nut and so are 3/4 kids in the program
|
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 15:00 |
|||||
|
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
|
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 15:02 |
|||||
|
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out in front of her. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. “OK” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said “On your way, Ma’am.” As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, buck-naked, and holding his you-know-what” in his hand. “Oh, good grief,” yelled Ethel, “Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 15:03 |
|||||
|
A fleeing Al Qaida guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties. The Arab asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00." The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK", said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom!" Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, now nearing collapse. He gasped, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie." |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 15:11 |
|||||
|
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
IamSpartacus
Moderator Group
Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 18:52 |
|||||
Duude, you must be REAAALLLY bored at work! |
||||||
|
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 20:33 |
|||||
|
Thats what I thought Can I have a job where you get paid to post on here? |
||||||
|
||||||
|
thepits
Moderator Group
Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 22:03 |
|||||
|
Err? Is there one? |
||||||
|
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
||||||
|
||||||
|
thepits
Moderator Group
Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 22:06 |
|||||
|
anyway - here we go again.......
This is titled - "My German Grand-Dad"
(available via any good search-engine) |
||||||
|
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
||||||
|
||||||
|
Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 22:09 |
|||||
Well if Dryle's at work and posting on here he's getting paid for posting on here ain't he, cos it don't look like he can be doing much else with all those posts. |
||||||
|
||||||
|
thepits
Moderator Group
Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 22:12 |
|||||
|
how many people do you have working at your place?
at mine it's about half! Edited by thepits |
||||||
|
Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
||||||
|
||||||
|
dryle
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 22:34 |
|||||
|
just getting a new project started so i have to wait for others to give me information/drawings. about 60 in all some on site derek yeah i was a bit bored, tired after weekend and then listening to baby talk |
||||||
|
Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
||||||
|
||||||
|
Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 26-March-2007 at 23:12 |
|||||
|
Well keep 'em coming Dryle,
 nowt wrong with spreading a little happiness
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
Post Reply
|
Page <1 138139140141142 173> |
|
| Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
The Neverending Thread
Topic Options
dryle wrote:
. Filling up my in box
.
