The Neverending Thread

 Uh oh!

it was funnier when it was sent to me!! I mean Chuck's alright but....

>>Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage On a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" Stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Absolutely priceless,Pity  a few more aren't like him.

A Leither, an Aberdonian, and a Glaswegian are in a car.

They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the car.

The Aberdonian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Aberdeen".

The others ask, "How do you know", the Aberdonian says, "Because it's so cold".

Then the Leither sticks his hand out and says "We are in Leith".

The others ask "How do you know", he replies "There's sunshine on Leith, it's so warm".

Then the Glaswegian sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Glasgow".

The others ask "How do you know", he says " Coz my watch is gone".

it's obvious..........

isn't it?

it's..........

I love country music!

I got home from work, sat down in my favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to my wife (it was the old one not the new one!), "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought me a beer. When I finished it, I said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought me a beer anyway. When it was gone, I said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blew her top! "You lazy b*****d.  You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.  Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

I sighed.

 "Oh no - it's started!"

1.        Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2.        A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but> don't start anything."

3.        Two peanuts walk into a rough bar, and one was a salted.

4.        A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5.        A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

6.        Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7.         "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8.        Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9.        An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10.     Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11.      I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12.     A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13.      I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14.      What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.     Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16.     Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!

17.     A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18.     A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19.     Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh Man, this is so bad, it's good) ........ A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20.     And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.No pun in ten did.

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be
put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keep
your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
the watch..." The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of
eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces..........................

"sh*t!" said the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

Jobbys at work

Unshamed Schoolboy Toliet humour ...

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK JOBBY is inevitable. For those who hate jobbying at work, the following is your essential Survival Guide for having a wee jobby at yer work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everybody else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before doing a jobby. Walk in and check for other jobbyers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a jobby in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a jobby, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the jobby hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the jobby has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET JOBBYER-- A colleague who jobbys at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Jobbyer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Jobbyer before entering the bathroom.

THE JOBBYING PALS NETWORK (J.P.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency jobbys go off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Jobbyers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender. This will reduce the odds of a jobbyer of your gender entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when having a jobby at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the jobbyer can jobby in peace.

WATERMELON -- A big jobby that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of the skitters that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to jobby when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees