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thepits 
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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 Posted: 25-July-2007 at 09:29 |
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A man goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?" "Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq." The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The man says "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the man "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM." The man is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?" "This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that." |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Rhys
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Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Posted: 25-July-2007 at 22:32 |
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/\ /\ /\
About right, round our way we call them 'Sick, Lame and Lazy'  |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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Posted: 29-July-2007 at 10:57 |
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end" "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's f4nny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that " |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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540 V8
Bavarian-Board Contributor 
Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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Posted: 29-July-2007 at 19:25 |
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/\/\/\ Mike |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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Roadmonster
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Joined: 25-March-2007 Location: Goxhill, Lincolnshire Status: Offline Points: 10 |
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Posted: 06-August-2007 at 15:04 |
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A lady walks past a pet shop. In the window is a big sign, it says:- New in - Clitoris Licking Frog The lady enters the shop and says "I'd like a clitoris licking frog please" The man behind the counter says "Bonjour" |
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:07 |
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The scene is a AD 'You say you went to your friend's house that night. Why did you go there?" WITNESS "Tae get a tap." AD "Is your friend a plumber?" WITNESS "Naw." AD "Are you a plumber?" WITNESS "Naw." The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly. AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?" WITNESS "Naw." AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?" WITNESS "Naw." In exasperation the AD says, "You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?" WITNESS "A Rangers tap." Edited by Jack735 |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:09 |
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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:11 |
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Due to new evidence, police fear that the doctor who invented paracetamol was murdered and decided last week to exhume the body. Unfortunately tests have yet to be started as they can't get the lid off. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:13 |
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The world hokey cokey champion died yesterday. It will take 3 weeks to bury him however as they will put his left foot in, left foot out............ |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:15 |
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A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman shouts :- " Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn " (Translated: Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.) The man shouts back "I'm English. Speak English, I don't understand you". The Scottish man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 16-August-2007 at 18:17 |
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I bought the wife a new bag and a belt. The hoover now works a treat!
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Rhys
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Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Posted: 16-August-2007 at 21:47 |
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Brave man when she's not around eh? |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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thepits
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Posted: 16-August-2007 at 21:57 |
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He's offline Rhys - can't get tinterweb in Intensive Care |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 17-August-2007 at 10:53 |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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thepits
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Posted: 17-August-2007 at 11:52 |
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Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch!
Edited by thepits |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 17-August-2007 at 16:09 |
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I left my frog on a double yellow once and it got toad away
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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steven.seed
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 24-June-2005 Location: Sale, Cheshire Status: Offline Points: 1507 |
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Posted: 21-August-2007 at 15:40 |
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A good management lesson Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was going out with someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a 100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. " She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls her and asks what happened. She responded, "The b****rd used coins!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! |
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1998 E36 318iS Saloon
1989 E30 318i. Coupe 2000 E39 520i Touring 
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steven.seed
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Joined: 24-June-2005 Location: Sale, Cheshire Status: Offline Points: 1507 |
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Posted: 21-August-2007 at 15:42 |
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This one I really like The old man and Satan
A few minutes before the church services started. The congregation was Sitting in their pews and talking Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, Trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate Enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all Eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
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1998 E36 318iS Saloon
1989 E30 318i. Coupe 2000 E39 520i Touring
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steven.seed
Really Senior Member II
Joined: 24-June-2005 Location: Sale, Cheshire Status: Offline Points: 1507 |
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Posted: 21-August-2007 at 15:47 |
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1998 E36 318iS Saloon
1989 E30 318i. Coupe 2000 E39 520i Touring
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IamSpartacus
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Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Posted: 25-August-2007 at 16:01 |
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A guy walks into a bar carrying a bag which he carefully places on the bar. The barman watched intently as he opened the bag and removed a tiny piano followed by a man a foot tall.
The little chap sat on a stool and started playing classical music. Intrigued the barman asked the man where he got the little fellow. At this the man reached into the bag and produced a battered old lamp. "Is that what I think it is?" asks the barman. "Yup, have a go yerself" The barman rubs the lamp and a genie appears.... "for releashing me you can have one wish" "I'll have a million bucks" says the barman without taking a breath. Puff and the genie was gone. Two minutes later and the door to the bar swings open and in walks a duck. Confused the barman looks to his only customer who just shrugged and carried on with his drink. Another couple of minutes pass and the door swings open again and in walk two ducks, then four, then eight and on it goes. "whats going on?" asks the bemused bartender to the guy as he gets up to leave? Don't know, but you don't really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist do you? |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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The Neverending Thread
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Jack735 wrote:
