On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me find out.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work? Would they be stuck together forever?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informs the couple tersely, you can get married.

Great! said the couple, but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven??

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!", St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.'

I watched one of my previous wedding videos the other night.

I loved the bit where she takes the ring off, walks down the Aisle and buggers off!

NSFW - Something for her birthday!

NSFW!!!

Jeep pimpage...

Misty Morning wrote: Oh bugger! never did get the hang of cut and paste

Misty Morning wrote: Oh bugger! never did get the hang of cut and paste

Me neither

so good you posted them twice!

A few more Vizettes

THESE DAYS, most shops have wheelchair access, but once inside the shop, the needs of the disabled are all but forgotten. Whilst in my newsagents the other day, I realised how difficult it must be for someone in a wheelchair to purchase a top shelf magazine. They would have to ask someone to pass it down which would cause great embarrassment. . Wouldn't it be a good idea if newsagents had a pneumatic ramp by the magazines to lift wheelchairs up to the top shelf. It could be fitted with flashing lights and a klaxon to warn other customers to keep clear of the mechanism when in operation.

I VISITED my local GP last week complaining of a sore throat and stiff neck. Imagine my surprise on being told I had absentmindedly swallowed a flute.

WITH THE FIA constantly looking for ways to slow down modern Formula 1 cars, why haven't they tried wrapping hair and fluff around the rear wheel axles? It certainly works on my Scalextric.

WHAT A con these so-called radio controlled taxis are. I got in one the other day and there was a man inside driving it.

YOU'D THINK that after 23 years, some of these so called 'Children in Need' might have grown up like the rest of us.

ONLY THE other day I came home from work and found a mixture of men's and women's clothing scattered about my lounge. Imagine my surprise when I discovered my boyfriend upstairs, naked in our bed having sex with my best friend. I hit the roof. However, he soon cleared it all up by explaining that 'It was only a bit of fun, and it meant nothing'. How foolish I felt for making such a fuss..
Alicia Trump, North Berkshire

I AM A lesbian trapped in a man's body. I am desperate to meet sympathetic women (preferably couples) who understand my plight, to see past the curse of penis affliction and initiate me into the joys of lesbian love. Please, please reach out and help a sister in distress.

YOU OFTEN see signs outside churches telling us that 'Jesus Lives'. But these religious folk are always carping on about how he died on the cross for all our sins. Dying isn't much of a sacrifice if you're planning on coming back again five minutes later.. Come on, God botherers. You can't have it both ways. make up your minds. Is he dead or is he alive?

THE BIG Issue would sell a lot more copies if they made their vendors smarten up a bit. Most of them look like tramps.

I THINK astrology is a pile of sh*t. My girlfriend is an Aries and she's got t*ts like two thruppenny bits on an ironing board. Meanwhile, her younger sister, who is also an Aries, has got the biggest pair of paps I've ever seen. I'd like roly-poly astrologer Russell Grant to explain that if he can.

I WAS DELIGHTED when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly since I can't even remember sending it in.

WHY DO women tennis players make such a loud grunt every time they hit the ball? If the act of hitting a ball is so difficult for them, perhaps they should stick to more ladylike pastimes such as knitting or dressmaking.

WHEN RICHARD Hammond was fighting for his life after his highspeed crash I, like the majority of the population, was wishing him a full and speedy recovery. Now, however, after seeing those Morrisons adverts on the telly, I can't help wondering if we weren't all a little hasty.

MY GRANDSON recently installed a security camera on my front door. "Just press 9 on the remote when someone knocks," he said. "Then you can check who's there on the TV." Last Tuesday, there was a knock on the door. Would you believe Clint Eastwood had called on me to pay a visit! However, by the time I got to the door he was gone. And only this morning, Fern Britton came round, and I don't even know her. I must have kept her waiting quite a while, as she was sitting on a sofa she had brought along with her. Have any other readers had surprise visits from celebrities?

SAUCY SINGERS, such as Shania Twain and Britney Spears are all enjoying successful careers at the moment. But the sooner we stop buying their albums, the sooner they'll go broke and be forced to make porn films to pay their bills.

THE LEGEND of Bigfoot, a humanoid ape-like creature living in the Rocky Mountains of America was first told by the native Red Indians centuries ago. Due to the vastness of the terrain, it is quite possible that such a creature could live undiscovered. Obviously, however, it could not live for centuries, so it follows that there would have to be a breeding population.. Based on my own field studies, I have calculated that the area where the bigfoot has been spotted could support around two hundred individuals. Just imagine if we captured all these magnificent beasts and trained them to perform Michael Flatley's Riverdance. What a show that would be!