The Neverending Thread |
Post Reply | Page <1 45678 173> |
Author | |
kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
How to treat a lady...
|
|
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
|
Sponsored Links | |
kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
|
Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?"
To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman." Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman." Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me." Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers. Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds." Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight. Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?" Susie waved the license in the air, and replied: "It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!" |
|
If you can't be good don't get caught
-------------------------- |
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Attention ALL Zimbabwe/Mozambique Border Patrol Agents... Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!
|
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Manly DIY Leak stain on ceiling.
|
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. I said, 'Dust.'
********************************************************** I took my missus to a nice restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. Ill have a large steak, medium rare, please. He said, Arent you worried about the mad cow? Nah, she can order for herself' I said. ********************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. ********************************************************** My girlfriend is standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees and says to me, 'I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' ********************************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive so, I took her to a petrol station ********************************************************** Mrs Jack and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, Do you want to have sex? No, she answered. I responded, Is that your final answer? Know what? She didnt even look at me this time, simply saying, Yes. So I said, Then Id like to phone a friend. ********************************************************** My wife was so pi**ed off at me for not opening the car door for her to get out, ********************************************************** A farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, " I've got to **** this pig every night."
********************************************************** My girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room. She said we should go somewhere to eat where we haven't been in a while. I suggested the kitchen. And then the fight started... ********************************************************** I asked my mate if he'd be my best man. He was well chuffed. I told him it was a full Scottish wedding. Kilts, bagpipes, the lot. He asked me what was the tartan. I told him she was wearing her wedding dress. |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Pound. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? .. . . . . . . . . . . . I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.' |
|
V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Some of you will have noticed I have not added any jokes to this thread recently. Well Ive been doing some research! The bad news is my research was for the worst jokes I could find. No, its OK! You deserve them. So here we go . ****************************************** How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi Jammin.. ****************************************** A sadist and a masochist are talking, the masochist says "Hit me" the sadist says "No" ****************************************** The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster." And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint". What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny ba5tard!" ****************************************** Two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other Do you smell carrot? ****************************************** What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie ****************************************** Whats round and bad tempered? A vicious circle. ****************************************** Secretary - Can I use your Dictaphone? Boss - No, use your finger like everyone else. ****************************************** I was walking past the fridge this morning and I thought I heard the onions singing a song by the Bee Gees. When I opened the door it was only the chives talking. ****************************************** Heard about the magic tractor? It was driving along the road then turned into a field ****************************************** Waiter - this soup tastes funny. Why are you not laughing then? ****************************************** Do you have any invisible ink sir? Yes, which colour? ****************************************** What's E.T. short for?? Cos he only has little legs ! ****************************************** A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat" said the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it." stated the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it!" shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again." continued the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it." said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said : "Meow". ****************************************** And my favourite worst joke What do you call a nun that walks in her sleep? A Roaming Catholic |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the Chemist and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the Pharmacist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The Pharmacist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.' The Pharmacist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.' |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Jack, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Jack: Yipppeeeeee! It works! |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over. |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox. |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Explosion at a pie factory in Leith.
3.14159265 dead. |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Holiday Truth's Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA
|
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
|
|
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Dear Ms. Davis, |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!' Then POOF! She was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!' |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
2 women bodybuilders were in a gym.....
"I'm thinking of taking steroids" said one while flexing her muscles " Don't be so stupid, I knew a woman who grew a c*** just by taking some kind of steroids!!" said her pal "Anabolic??" she asked " no, just a c***" said her pal! |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Wee Tam was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Thomas?'
'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Tam tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.' The neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?' Wee Tam patted down the last heap of dirt then replied 'That's because he's inside your cat.' |
|
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
|
|
kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
What not to do when being breathalysed...
|
|
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
|
Post Reply | Page <1 45678 173> |
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |