The Neverending Thread

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Dumb Britain...

Anne Robinson "In Russian politics, Vladamire Putin is renowned as an accomplished performer of which activity, Judo or Cluedo?"

Contestant "Cluedo"

AR "in 1948 David Ben-Gurion became Prime minister of which country?"

Contestant "Wales"

and now....

Dumb Ireland...

(Radio Athlone) Presenter "What sweet has a name that sounds like a day of the week?"

Caller (After a long pause) "Would it be marshmallow?"

'Why men should not write advice columns'                                 
                                                                                  
Dear Walter:                                                                    
                                                                                 
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my  
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a  
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a   
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I      
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady &    
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have  
been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and   
admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.          ;
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six   
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and     
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum  
he has become increasingly distant. Can you please help?                                                          
                                                                                 
Sincerely,                                                                    
Mrs.. Sheila Usk         &nb sp;  

 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

 Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got �10,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's �1,000 an inch.' 

The man perks up at this.

So, the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss  with  your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day  

 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

 'I have,' says the man. 

 'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

 'She has,' says the man. 

 'And what is it?' asks the doctor................

  'We're getting a new kitchen.'

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving.'

dutch wrote: A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. blah blah

 - I know this as I posted this on the 7th February 2008 - only a month ago... do keep up

Rhys wrote: four-sprung Duck technique

Rhys! I'm disappointed in you