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Rossi View Drop Down
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Points: 3311 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rossi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-May-2008 at 19:43
I recently picked a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

No,' I said.

He looked at me and said...
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 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?'
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thepits View Drop Down
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'.
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

'When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

'The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. -Next.'
Cats know your every thought.

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Jack735 View Drop Down
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Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22-April-2008 at 13:00

Cheers Dryle!

 

 

 

On this thread I tried to post this 'joke' a few days ago but while I was able to log in and 'post reply' nothing happened after that.

I thought I had been banned form the thread for overindulgence.  

 

Have I ever said this site has the best collection of smilies?  this one I like particularly

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s*x would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

 

 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued: 'He'd still be alive if the Ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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kbannon View Drop Down
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Originally posted by thepits thepits wrote:

this is great - make sure you have your sound wound up though

www.internetisseriousbusiness.com

 


You will rot in hell for that Simon!
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE
1997 E39 523i
2003 E39 525i Sport Individual
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Jack735 View Drop Down
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Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-May-2008 at 16:19

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. Although he was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?



















He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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This is a story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.

 

There  is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!

 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

<> There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly and I will grab the fish!!"

 It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing?  to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish leaps for it ... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish...I'll shoot the bear and have a  proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I <>can tell you there's more .... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly  and that bear grabs for that fish ... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was? fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch

time). "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."<>

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Jack735 View Drop Down
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If you have raised kids (or even been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened ...

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

‘Darling,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mum!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 999?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Jack, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just ... just ... excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just . . . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . .” She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car . . . He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: Ł140.
One cage: Ł50.
Trip to the vet: Ł30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!





Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.


Lizards lay eggs
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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thepits View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Rhys Rhys wrote:

Originally posted by kbannon kbannon wrote:

Originally posted by thepits thepits wrote:

this is great - make sure you have your sound wound up though www.internetisseriousbusiness.com

You will rot in hell for that Simon!

Not before I kick his balls!

good isn't it



Edited by thepits
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But don't care.
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Originally posted by Jack735 Jack735 wrote:

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving.'
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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Rossi View Drop Down
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Things you shouldn't find in the Garden...
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
 
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. 

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.'


The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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dryle View Drop Down
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Points: 1348 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dryle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22-April-2008 at 12:03
Jack the lizard one had my crying with the laughter forwarded it on to herself, she is on the front desk in the bank today and I could hear her laughing down the phone. She said customers were looking at her.
Dave Ryle


"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo"!! (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

Edited by kbannon
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this is great - make sure you have your sound wound up though

www.internetisseriousbusiness.com

 
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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Jack735 View Drop Down
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I went into RS McColls today, I asked for a Twirl and a Boost, the lassie behind the counter spun round and said 'You look great today Jack'

 

Yesterday I went in and I asked for some Wrigley’s she gave me a can of worms.
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons' where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(


Well, how about some 'AR$E-ICONS?' Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ar$e

(__!__) a fat ar$e

(!) a tight ar$e

(_*_) a sore ar$e

{_!_} a swishy ar$e

(_o_) an ar$e that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ar$e

(_X_) leave my ar$e alone

(_zzz_) a tired ar$e

(_E=mc2_) a smart ar$e

(_$_) Money coming out of his ar$e

(_?_) Dumb ar$e
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Originally posted by Jack735 Jack735 wrote:

 

I thought I had been banned form the thread for overindulgence.  


No Jack, we've just put in a magical  filter to cut out crap jokes!


 

Originally posted by Jack735 Jack735 wrote:

  Have I ever said this site has the best collection of smilies?  this one I like particularly



Do I sense you have a little too much time on your hands today?
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 & 12


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks.

"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called

Condoms, son.  Men use them to have safe sex".

"Oh I see," replied the boy.

"Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School"

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys,

One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers,

"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,

Picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men.

One for January, one for February, one for March......."
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Originally posted by kbannon kbannon wrote:

Originally posted by thepits thepits wrote:

this is great - make sure you have your sound wound up though

www.internetisseriousbusiness.com

 


You will rot in hell for that Simon!


Not before I kick his balls!
V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
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R reg Honda PC50 moped..

No BMW as yet...
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