The Neverending Thread

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.

Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney anyway!"

Rhys wrote: I've just sprayed orange juice all over my laptop - cheers K!

Maybe you have the same problem as the old guy in the joke?

Mike

Deadliest virus on the planet

CLICKY

A young boy has just got his driver`s license and enquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. his father said," I`ll make a deal with you. you bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we`ll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he`d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, " Son, I`ve been real proud, You brought your grades up, and I`ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But I`m disappointed, since you havn`t got your hair cut.

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know Dad I`ve been thinking about that, and I`ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and theres even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied: " Did you also notice that they also walked everywhere they went?"

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, bloody fool you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

Cheltenham Races   

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.  

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.  The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.  

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their little willies to help direct the flow of wee away from their clothes.  

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'  

'No, madam,' he replied ....... 'My name is Ernie Hunt and I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.