The Neverending Thread |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Body Statistics It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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1. I wondered why the golf ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A 8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it! 9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. 10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. 11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. 12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired. 13. A will is a dead giveaway 14. A backward poet writes inverse. 15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart. 18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 19. A calendar's days are numbered. 20. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine 22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. 23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to dough basis. 24. Acupuncture: a jab well done. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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Rossi
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 07-May-2005 Status: Offline Points: 3311 |
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Oh Crap!!!
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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Deadliest virus on the planet |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in. Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole. The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy. Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that." Grandpa said "No, you keep it." The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks. Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me." Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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A young boy has just got his driver`s license and enquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. his father said," I`ll make a deal with you. you bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we`ll talk about the car."
After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, " Son, I`ve been real proud, You brought your grades up, and I`ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But I`m disappointed, since you havn`t got your hair cut. The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know Dad I`ve been thinking about that, and I`ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and theres even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." To this his father replied: " Did you also notice that they also walked everywhere they went?" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Bullfrogs & Blow Jobs A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook ....... you're gone.' |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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I've just sprayed orange juice all over my laptop - cheers K!
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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davy tombstone
Really Senior Member II Joined: 14-July-2008 Location: laguna seca seat Status: Offline Points: 1236 |
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just finished checkin my feet.
i make it 4 trillion on each. the good news is my thumb measures 3 inches. |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know." Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?" With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman. "Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked. Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney anyway!"
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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And God said ... One morning God spoke to Adam |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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540 V8
Bavarian-Board Contributor Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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Maybe you have the same problem as the old guy in the joke? Mike |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, bloody fool you're standing on my oxygen tube?" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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keithc
Really Senior Member I Joined: 28-January-2004 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 491 |
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There were three old ladies sitting on a bench when a man walks by, whips open his coat and flashes them.
Two of the old dears had a stroke........... .........the third couldn't reach! |
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BMW's in family: 2004 E46 - Replaced by 2006 E90 ; 1992 E32; 1986 E28 (x2); 1986 E30 (x2)
Wishlist: 2002 Turbo; E28 M5; E24 M6; E46 M3CSL; E39 M5 |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Cheltenham Races A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their little willies to help direct the flow of wee away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, madam,' he replied ....... 'My name is Ernie Hunt and I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.' |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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