The Neverending Thread

dutch wrote: A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. blah blah

 - I know this as I posted this on the 7th February 2008 - only a month ago... do keep up

this might be a repost as well but i didn't have time to go through 164 pages to find it! 

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world,but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused,placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbro, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales .

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

 

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

 

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

 

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

 

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

 

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry.'

 

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving.'

this is great - make sure you have your sound wound up though

www.internetisseriousbusiness.com

 

kbannon wrote: thepits wrote: this is great - make sure you have your sound wound up though www.internetisseriousbusiness.com   You will rot in hell for that Simon!

Not before I kick his balls!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo"!! (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

Edited by kbannon

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 & 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks.

"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called

Condoms, son.  Men use them to have safe sex".

"Oh I see," replied the boy.

"Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School"

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys,

One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers,

"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,

Picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men.

One for January, one for February, one for March......."

Jack the lizard one had my crying with the laughter forwarded it on to herself, she is on the front desk in the bank today and I could hear her laughing down the phone. She said customers were looking at her.