The Neverending Thread

This is a story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.

 

There  is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!

 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

<> There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly and I will grab the fish!!"

 It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing?  to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish leaps for it ... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish...I'll shoot the bear and have a  proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I <>can tell you there's more .... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly  and that bear grabs for that fish ... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was? fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch

time). "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."<>

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'.
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

'When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

'The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. -Next.'

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. Although he was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

I recently picked a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

No,' I said.

He looked at me and said...

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 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?'

Jack735 wrote: I went into RS McColls today, I asked for a Twirl and a Boost, the lassie behind the counter spun round and said 'You look great today Jack'   Yesterday I went in and I asked for some Wrigley�s she gave me a can of worms.

Don't suppose if you walked in and asked for a double entendre - she'd give you one?

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!'
'Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies. 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points.'
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout.
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.'
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer printed the following:-
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

thepits wrote: 'not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down

THAT HAS TO BE WITHOUT QUESTION.... THE PITTS!

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

 

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

 

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

 

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

 

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

The marriage

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!

Windows for Geordies...