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simoneyes View Drop Down
Really Senior Member I
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Joined: 22-August-2008
Location: W.Sussex
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Points: 330 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote simoneyes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-September-2008 at 17:51

A well dressed executive type young lady walks into a BMW showroom and walks over to a convertible M3. She stands silently,clearly taken aback by its beauty. She walks slowly around the car nodding in approval before stopping at the drivers door. She can resist no longer and reaches in to feel the leather. At this moment,she breaks wind,stands up suddenly to make sure nobody heard.

A few moments later a salesperson comes and asks if she requires any assistance. She replies sternly "i want to know its price". The salesperson pauses for a moment before saying that he wasnt sure he could help.The lady is not ammused and angrily demands an explination.   "Well" says the salesperson......

    "If you fart just touching it,youll sh*t yourself if i tell you the price".
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kbannon View Drop Down
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Joined: 09-October-2002
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Points: 15508 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-September-2008 at 00:55
B318isP sent this to me:

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's  details;'
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. 



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was  fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the   father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can  provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party  if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a  man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a  BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.   Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.


5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am  awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7. I am chinese and do not know who the father of my child was as all English look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.


9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember  for sure is Gordo Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made  you fart.

 
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE
1997 E39 523i
2003 E39 525i Sport Individual
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Points: 10053 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-September-2008 at 11:12
Originally posted by kbannon kbannon wrote:

..after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made  you fart.



V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v
'63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe
R reg Honda PC50 moped..

No BMW as yet...
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Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-September-2008 at 09:28

Scottish Logic

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

 

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

 

' We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

 

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Points: 1348 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dryle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-September-2008 at 11:12

At the dole office in Castlebar a Traveller walked in to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' How's it going Boss, You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd like to get a job!'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008  Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is 200,000 a year.'

The traveller just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull$h!ttin' me!'

The social welfare worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it!'

 
Dave Ryle


"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
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Points: 330 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote simoneyes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18-September-2008 at 17:43

Two lions walking along Brighton pier.One turns to the other and says,

"Quiet for a bank holiday innit"
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Points: 330 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote simoneyes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-September-2008 at 18:27

 

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support
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Points: 1263 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Misty Morning Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20-September-2008 at 13:26
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in  the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped
out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'
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Points: 10053 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30-September-2008 at 21:34
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'













...................keep going..........................














Cop: 'He's got the feckin Pope as a chauffeur!'

V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v
'63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe
R reg Honda PC50 moped..

No BMW as yet...
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kbannon View Drop Down
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Points: 15508 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-October-2008 at 21:24
Oh Crap!!!
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE
1997 E39 523i
2003 E39 525i Sport Individual
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Points: 15508 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-October-2008 at 21:25
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE
1997 E39 523i
2003 E39 525i Sport Individual
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Points: 15508 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08-October-2008 at 09:21
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing.
 
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is
wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
 
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why
you're here to see the doctor today?'
 
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
 
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
 
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
 
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in
private.'
 
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.
 
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
 
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
 
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
 
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
 
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE
1997 E39 523i
2003 E39 525i Sport Individual
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Points: 10053 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08-October-2008 at 19:41
I've just sprayed orange juice all over my laptop - cheers K!
V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v
'63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe
R reg Honda PC50 moped..

No BMW as yet...
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Points: 3311 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rossi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-October-2008 at 16:23 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.
She says 'hello'.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies,'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to
on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped
my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly..









'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Points: 2280 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 540 V8 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-October-2008 at 22:07

Originally posted by Rhys Rhys wrote:

I've just sprayed orange juice all over my laptop - cheers K!


Maybe you have the same problem as the old guy in the joke?

Mike

Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto
Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension.
E28 525e auto-Standard
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Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15-October-2008 at 15:24

Cheltenham Races   

 

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.  

 

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.  The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.  

 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their little willies to help direct the flow of wee away from their clothes.  

 

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'  

 

'No, madam,' he replied ....... 'My name is Ernie Hunt and I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15-October-2008 at 15:25

Bullfrogs & Blow Jobs

 

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

 

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

 

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

 

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

 

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

 

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

 

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

 

She bought the frog.

 

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!

 

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

 

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.  She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

 

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

 

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook ....... you're gone.'

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28-October-2008 at 14:01

And God said ...

One morning God spoke to Adam

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' So God explained it to him.

Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?' So, God explained that to him,

and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave? oh Lord'

After God explained a cave to Adam He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you and this woman to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under his breath), 'Geez...' and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river and over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Within about five Minutes, he was back at Gods house. God, His patience by now wearing extremely thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

*

*


*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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There were three old ladies sitting on a bench when a man walks by, whips open his coat and flashes them.


Two of the old dears had a stroke...........



.........the third couldn't reach!
BMW's in family: 2004 E46 - Replaced by 2006 E90 ; 1992 E32; 1986 E28 (x2); 1986 E30 (x2)

Wishlist: 2002 Turbo; E28 M5; E24 M6; E46 M3CSL; E39 M5
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