The Neverending Thread

thepits wrote: 8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.    17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

No.8 yea think I could see myself trying that, No.17 would love to try that on someone I dont like  could just picture them driving down the road over every bump and turning at every corner "what the f*#k is making that noise"

Edited by lesurely

Since when had Al Jolson become president?

As an aside, I reckon the new American president might the chap they need to improve their country a bit - and will probably have some effect over here as well..

Anger Management


 
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
     
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
   
I found the number and dialed it.
   
A man answered, saying
'Hello.'
   
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
   
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.
   
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
   
When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
   
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
   
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an a**hole!'
and hung up.
   
I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.
     
Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an a**hole!'
 
It always cheered me up.
   
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic  'a**hole'
calling would have to stop.
   
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi,  this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
       
He yelled
'NO!'
and slammed down the phone.
   
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an a**hole!'
and hung up.
   
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
   
Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
   
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
   
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
   
A couple of days later,
right after calling the first a**hole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.
   
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
     
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
   
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
 
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax ..
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
   
I asked,
'What's your name?'
 
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'
     
I asked,
'When's  a good time to catch you, Don?'
   
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
 
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
   
He said,
'Yes?'
   
I said,
'Don, you're an a**hole!'
   
Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
   
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two a**holes to call.
   
Then I came up with an idea...
   
I called a**hole #1.
 
He said,
'Hello.'
 
I said,
'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
 
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
   
I said,
'Yeah!'
   
He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'
   
I said,
'Make me,'
   
He asked,
'Who are you?'
 
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
 
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
   
I said,
'a**hole, I live at 34  Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer  parked in front.'
     
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
   
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,'
and hung up.
   
Then I called a**hole #2.
   
He said,
'Hello?'
   
I said,
'Hello, a**hole,'
   
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
   
I said,
'You'll what?'
   
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass,'
   
I answered,
'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
   
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at  34  Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
     
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
     
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..
 
I got there just in time to watch two a**holes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
     
NOW I feel much better.
 
Anger management really does work.

Found this..seen some before but a lot I haven't...

I never understand why people say that onions are the only vegetable that make you cry ... they've obviously never been hit in the face with a turnip

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iuMo1nkMztA

 

 

 

Love the anger management KB

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again" she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and took her off to the local theme park.

What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn and all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's

What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 

 

'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
 
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed .

I meant my dress size, you  idiot'

 

The moral of this story : Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong!!!!!!!!

Tak on the Honda advert...

An engineer, of the BMW Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your vehicles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

(1) There' s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
(2) It chatters constantly at high speeds.
(3) Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
(4) The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
(5) The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."