My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

 

He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

 

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the Chemist and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

 

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.

 

At the register the Pharmacist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'

 

The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

 

The Pharmacist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

 

The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

 

The Pharmacist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them;
they could only raise the staggering sum of one Pound.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with
one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow
me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry,
I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy
said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper
and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk,
and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub,
getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Manly DIY

Leak stain on ceiling.
Cut a piece of plywood into a square.
Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it.
Tell everyone it's the door to your attic.
(Not recommended for basement apartments)

Ant invasion.
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent.
Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up one-by-one and drown them in your pail.
Or simply squash them with your shoes and use the mixture to clean up the mess.

Crayon marks on wall.
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long.
With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection if this happens again.
Break all his crayons.

Doggie-doo on lawn.
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal container.
Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home.
Burn down their house.

Crabgrass.
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weedkiller.
Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company.
Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weedkiller included.

Cigarette burn on rug.
Cut one lemon in half.
Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50- 50 with tonic.
Add ice.
Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry.
Move couch over mark.

Dirty paint brushes.
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover.
Read paint remover directions carefully.
Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled.
Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the back garden.
Notice that solvent can kill grass.
Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue.
Now notice that solvent is highly flammable ...

Annoying drips.
Don't invite them over anymore.

 

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?"

To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?"

Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by.

"Why so sad?" Anna asked.

Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old."

She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:

"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"

How to treat a lady...

A few more Vizettes

THESE DAYS, most shops have wheelchair access, but once inside the shop, the needs of the disabled are all but forgotten. Whilst in my newsagents the other day, I realised how difficult it must be for someone in a wheelchair to purchase a top shelf magazine. They would have to ask someone to pass it down which would cause great embarrassment. . Wouldn't it be a good idea if newsagents had a pneumatic ramp by the magazines to lift wheelchairs up to the top shelf. It could be fitted with flashing lights and a klaxon to warn other customers to keep clear of the mechanism when in operation.

I VISITED my local GP last week complaining of a sore throat and stiff neck. Imagine my surprise on being told I had absentmindedly swallowed a flute.

WITH THE FIA constantly looking for ways to slow down modern Formula 1 cars, why haven't they tried wrapping hair and fluff around the rear wheel axles? It certainly works on my Scalextric.

WHAT A con these so-called radio controlled taxis are. I got in one the other day and there was a man inside driving it.

YOU'D THINK that after 23 years, some of these so called 'Children in Need' might have grown up like the rest of us.

ONLY THE other day I came home from work and found a mixture of men's and women's clothing scattered about my lounge. Imagine my surprise when I discovered my boyfriend upstairs, naked in our bed having sex with my best friend. I hit the roof. However, he soon cleared it all up by explaining that 'It was only a bit of fun, and it meant nothing'. How foolish I felt for making such a fuss..
Alicia Trump, North Berkshire

I AM A lesbian trapped in a man's body. I am desperate to meet sympathetic women (preferably couples) who understand my plight, to see past the curse of penis affliction and initiate me into the joys of lesbian love. Please, please reach out and help a sister in distress.

YOU OFTEN see signs outside churches telling us that 'Jesus Lives'. But these religious folk are always carping on about how he died on the cross for all our sins. Dying isn't much of a sacrifice if you're planning on coming back again five minutes later.. Come on, God botherers. You can't have it both ways. make up your minds. Is he dead or is he alive?

THE BIG Issue would sell a lot more copies if they made their vendors smarten up a bit. Most of them look like tramps.

I THINK astrology is a pile of sh*t. My girlfriend is an Aries and she's got t*ts like two thruppenny bits on an ironing board. Meanwhile, her younger sister, who is also an Aries, has got the biggest pair of paps I've ever seen. I'd like roly-poly astrologer Russell Grant to explain that if he can.

I WAS DELIGHTED when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly since I can't even remember sending it in.

WHY DO women tennis players make such a loud grunt every time they hit the ball? If the act of hitting a ball is so difficult for them, perhaps they should stick to more ladylike pastimes such as knitting or dressmaking.

WHEN RICHARD Hammond was fighting for his life after his highspeed crash I, like the majority of the population, was wishing him a full and speedy recovery. Now, however, after seeing those Morrisons adverts on the telly, I can't help wondering if we weren't all a little hasty.

MY GRANDSON recently installed a security camera on my front door. "Just press 9 on the remote when someone knocks," he said. "Then you can check who's there on the TV." Last Tuesday, there was a knock on the door. Would you believe Clint Eastwood had called on me to pay a visit! However, by the time I got to the door he was gone. And only this morning, Fern Britton came round, and I don't even know her. I must have kept her waiting quite a while, as she was sitting on a sofa she had brought along with her. Have any other readers had surprise visits from celebrities?

SAUCY SINGERS, such as Shania Twain and Britney Spears are all enjoying successful careers at the moment. But the sooner we stop buying their albums, the sooner they'll go broke and be forced to make porn films to pay their bills.

THE LEGEND of Bigfoot, a humanoid ape-like creature living in the Rocky Mountains of America was first told by the native Red Indians centuries ago. Due to the vastness of the terrain, it is quite possible that such a creature could live undiscovered. Obviously, however, it could not live for centuries, so it follows that there would have to be a breeding population.. Based on my own field studies, I have calculated that the area where the bigfoot has been spotted could support around two hundred individuals. Just imagine if we captured all these magnificent beasts and trained them to perform Michael Flatley's Riverdance. What a show that would be!

so good you posted them twice!

Misty Morning wrote: Oh bugger! never did get the hang of cut and paste

Misty Morning wrote: Oh bugger! never did get the hang of cut and paste

Me neither

Jeep pimpage...